Tuesday, 12 August 2008

• Cancer and Life

  I don't really know what i'm specifically going to write here... I just know that I need to write and get things off my chest in order to heal a little...

  So the cancer came back... I know i'm supposed to capitalize the "C" in cancer, but I don't think it deserves that kind of importance or respect. This is episode number 4. You would think I would be dead by now, or at least psychotically smashing my head against the wall in anger, frustration and hurt. Between this and my back I have really had enough. Though I have to say that I am a lot more positive about things than I was the last few times. The first time I got lucky, as well as the second time. The third time completely changed my life as most of the time I was curled up in a ball looking over at Julio on the bed with his skull and brains exposed at times... Have you ever smelled cancer? It is a very distinct smell, a nasty smell, it smells of death, pain and heartache. Go into a hospice a few times like I have, or sit with a loved one and you will learn and never forget that scent. It really hits you hard when that same scent is coming from you.

  I had a feeling a few weeks ago that it was back again. The same pains, the same cramping, and that distinctive smell. I called my oncologist and arranged for an early follow up biopsy to check the status. I didn't need to know the results though... I already knew. I just needed to hear it spoken out loud for it to sink in. That was last week. I started fractionated dose chemotherapy yesterday... it is smaller doses injected directly into the site and is supposed to reduce the amount of nausea and vomiting as a side effect. It is much better than it used to be considering I can actually eat this time around... so far anyway. Only problems are the mouth sores, and the hair loss. Luckily I didn't lose too much hair last time... however I just took a shower a few minutes ago and a big chunk fell out and I watched it travel down my leg towards the drain as my tear drops followed closely behind. It may sound shallow but I am so scared about losing my hair, probably moreso than the cancer itself. I know that I will be ok... i'm a survivor for goodness sakes. But why can't I be a survivor with hair on my head, and not a sexy "combover" like my dad...

  I'm not happy that i'm going through this again... who would be? But I am trying to stay as positive as I can. I made the decision to not really tell anyone in my life. My parents don't know because they will only cause me additional grief that will not lend itself to my healing process. My best friends know, as well as my sister and Brian, but that is about it. I made the decision to only tell those who would still love me and be there for me through this process, and be more concerned about keeping a smile on my face instead of worrying silly about me. Those that can listen to me bitch and cry when I need to. Although the only person that I have cried to other than to myself is Brian. I can't let my sister hear me cry... it would devastate her. But Brian? Thank God that Brian is in my life and isn't scared of the "C" word, isn't scared of my back disability, and actually likes me for who I am. Thank heavens that he knows how to make me smile, and that he came into my life at the perfect moment. If it wasn't for him I would be sitting here in that curled up ball once again, thinking of the last time. No one can replace my best friend Julio, especially since he has passed on. I don't want to replace him either. However I have more than that now! I have a new best friend as well as a lover, partner, and I believe soul mate. How lucky am I?!!! Someone who loves me for me, and still hasnt run away screaming! I don't have to curl up in that ball again... I feel I can stretch out and smile from ear to ear, I can fight this stupid disease because I have more to fight for! I have my children, my sister, my nieces, friends, and now Brian. The past doesn't matter, how I survived before doesn't matter. What matters is that I am outstandingly happy when by all other reason I should still be in that ball. Once again I am not a statistic, nor am I going to let myself be one.

  So don't worry, I am not going anywhere. Not yet anyway. There is too much to live for and I am stretching out as far as I can and ready to jump up and down. :)

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